It has certainly been a while.
525600 minutes...times 4...
Of late I find myself being drawn back in. Ha! Drawn. I haven't drawn anything of any sort of substance in yearseses. I'm not sure what happened though. What made me so disenchanted with myself that I gave up all art. It would be easy to blame Warcraft but that actually helped me while I was doing my course. No. I think i tried to grow up....and failed miserably lol.
I'm a kid at heart and soul. I love childish things. The world I live in has no sympathy for such persons. A select few are able to turn their passion into cash but I unfortunately wasn't.
*sigh*
I miss me. I miss me so much. My carefree attitude. My incessant smile. My almost comical naivety...
I locked away so much of myself but I'm not part of this world :'(
Tis bout time I grew back down HA!!
Sure enough, I’m not quite sure what to make of how I feel about you. I want to hate you so bad, yet I can’t seem to. Why is that? You weren’t completely honest with me to I had been pouring my heart and feelings to you. In my eyes that’s grounds for immediate write off.
How is it… I still linger.
Every time in the past, I have left. I don’t need the extra pain. I don’t need anyone else to lie to me (I do that enough to myself). I don’t need to waste any more of my time.
Listening to music the other day on my phone, I began arbitrarily scrolling through the pictures there I come across one of you and I pause. My face involuntarily and briefly contorts… and I feel moisture on my cheek. A tear? A fucking TEAR?! Over YOU?!
DAMNIT!!
Oh my God! Why am I in this situation? Why did I fall in love… with you?
Not easily nor often do I give my heart out. I may like people, but my real love is saved for those who’ve proven that they deserve it! Why did I give it to YOU?! I think I DO hate you… I hate you so much…
Exhale…
Thoughts jumbled,
Mumbled,
Tumbled…
Light… pretty
Thoughts clear,
Near,
Dear,
I… remember?
Remember?
I do?
I DO!
I remember you!
Ew!!
Forget!
Tickled touches on my skin.
Embraced, safe and sound
Around,
Astound,
Bound by arms so strong…
Tongue on my neck,
Teeth on my chest,
BITE!!
Ouch! Yes!
No! Fuck, OUCH MAN!
Pain… where did it go?
What is that on my back?
What is that on my chest?
What is that on my lips?
Oh…
Clear,
Tumbled,
Near,
Jumbled,
You…
I hate you…
You…
I love you…
Why?
Why? Why? Why?!
Damn you!
Maybe I can die…
Maybe I can kill you…
Who are you?
Hold me
Please hold me.
Don’t fucking touch me!
Light… so pretty
Light…
Take me…
Darkness…
Me…
Darkness…
Free…
Darkness………
yeah...WTF!
The more things change, the more they stay the same. The past and present have colided, the question is...where? Which is from a life gone by and which is life right now? Or are they both one and the same...
Something was wrong. I didn’t know what it was but I knew something was wrong.
As a younger person I developed the ability to sense people’s intentions and sincerity. I learned to look beyond the boundary of ‘them’ and look at the outside influences. 99% of the time when I get hurt its due to denial and not blindness. I see the truck coming and I believe I can stop it with my outstretched hand. A foolish notion I know but hey, a guy can dream right?
I knew I wasn’t alone. I knew there was at least one other. Tiny, almost imperceptible changes in mannerisms, I can pick up. I don’t always let on that I know, people are entitled to having a tummy ache now and then of course, but I can tell. Usually I will wait.
These days people, gay and straight, are incredibly fickle. They get bored EASILY! I don’t, and that makes me ‘safe’, the one they can run back to in case it doesn’t work out with the one they want. So they will chase after the younger, smarter, richer, fitter, skinnier, taller, shorter, fatter, darker, lighter, sluttier, mellower, hyper (shut up -_-), uglier, poorer, stronger, weaker or just plain WRONG one, take SHIT treatment and then come back to poor lil Lando when they get dumped. It’s not that they’re “not ready for anything right now”, they lost interest in you hommie… if I know that, why don’t you! It’s not that you’re concerned about my ex finding out, it’s that you’re bangin his CURRENT man on the side!... Trinidad is way too small for you to try that asshole!
Here’s a lil clue about me: I AM NOT SAFE!! I will WAIT for yo ass to come back when I am the last resort and THEN I exit stage left. And believe me… I KNOW when you’re out of options.
I’m too fat to do the whole limbo thing so I don’t. As a priority, I act as one and return the sentiment. As an option, I get options and NEVER make the mistake and believe that you’re my best one... you were probably just there first. I am fair after all. If I speak to you first you may be a little higher in the queue for my attention. I also let subsequent interests know up front that they are in a line, so they can make an informed decision as to whether or not they wish to BE an option. It’s not me being full of myself, it’s just being fucking polite!! That way, if shit doh work out, there are no hard feelings. No one gets ‘hurt’ cause they are aware of that they in for from the get go. Of course, sometimes a secondary option shows that they would make a better priority, as that’s what they begin to show me that I am to them (I’m sorry Chocolate Chip… but that is how Mars got me).
I am tired. These fucking games are over!
I think I’m tired of being alone. The whole bachelor trip was fun but it’s seriously not in my nature.
Ever since I can remember I’ve been a fella who was either a protector or a protected. I had some sort of… purpose… a role to play. Without a role I’m self destructing.
I don’t care about myself and I fear that it is an extremely dangerous condition that eventually WILL lead to me broken beyond any sort of repair...
Made by: http://www.weebls-stuff.com/
Look at my horse,
my horse is amazing
Give it a lick
Hmm, It tastes just like raisins
I have a stroke of it's mane
It turns into a plane
And then it turns back again
When you tug on it's winky
Ohh that's dirty
Do you think think so?
Well I'd better not show you
where the lemonade is made
Sweet lemonade
Mmm sweet lemonade
Sweet lemonade
Yeah sweet lemonade
Get on my horse
I'll take you round the universe
And all the other places too
I think you'll find that the universe
pretty much covers everything
Shut up woman get on my horse!
Have you ever found yourself making decisions based on a promise made to you by someone who CLAIMS to care for you? Have you ever found that you were HORRIBLY mistaken by doing that? I have.
So I met an individual online last year we'll call him Aoki(the real name doesn't elude me but if you assault me with names and i sneeze for one, you're welcome to believe what you want) who seemed...fickle at best, who wanted to be my friend. I'm a skeptic especially about younguns and doubly so about reds but i decided to humor them. Apparently though, he was under the impression that I like to waste time and didn't think I was serious so we stopped talking for a bit.
Flash forward a few months. I've heard plenty, plenty-plenty-plenty about Aoki since then, however I was never one to just accept talk. Especially when the sources tend to ....paint pictures that makes them look good. Lo and behold I'm asked by Aoki for a 'second chance' ( I save my MSN messages darlings so be careful what you say to me, I don't use them for anything other than to REMIND ppl when they try to lie to me later). I must admit I was taken by surprise a bit. It came out of the blue for one and secondly, we were never really serious so there was never really a 'first' chance. I considered it and thought "sure, why not".
Needless to say... I was laughed at both in front and behind my face.
Though I was seriously trying to give this person a fair chance, what I did realize is that I was becoming their PC guy. Their company sometimes was good so i didn't mind TOO much. However along the way I started realizing something....Aoki lies A LOT! I was kinda flabergasted. I didn't understand what compulsion made them lie sooooo friggin much...and for NO reason what so ever! Take their surprise birthday 'party' for instance, apparently they forgot that people were taking pictures... it was NOT the gala they attempted to make me think it was.
Then came Christmas. Now I'm not one to be grubby and greedy bout presents...BUT...if you know you can't...or more to say...WON'T be doin something for someone, keep yuh mouth shut. If something is stuck in shipping for 17 days (as of blob date), most people raise a fuss, so i still waitin for the supposed sound system that in shipping since before Christmas lol. (note i didn't ASK for the system eh, they proclaimed that is what they 'GOT' me, later changed to 'GETTING' later changed to... ).
Ranting aside. I overlooked all this. I wasn't too concerned cause deep down I was feelin kinda happy that I was actually having feelings for someone. Feelings usually inspire my creative side and I've been busy writing up a storm of late. (Look out for the story of Duene and Lou, coming soon). However what really ticked me off was this latest development.
I needed to pay my rent, so I decided to sell my PSP. Aoki jumped up and said he wanted to buy it, I agreed. He said he didn't have the cash on him now and would give me by week end, I agreed. I let him take the PSP with him. I didn't NEED the money by weekend so when weekend came and went, I didn't fuss. The following Tuesday however I asked the very DIRECT question: Will you be able to bring the money for me by Thursday? To which he replied: Yes, that will be no problem.
*sigh*
Right now on my bed, my PSP is sitting. On Thursday, after not answering me for the whole day because he 'forgot' his phones at home, I asked him: are you dropping by today? The response was: Well I have it up on Trini Tuner and no one wants to buy it.
Heh.
What did that have to do with me since I was supposedly selling the item to him? Apparently everything. There was another old friend of mine who at the time was willing to pay me DOUBLE and I turned him down...
Saturday night Aoki brings me the PSP, and says he's 'changed his mind', this is AFTER I go and borrow the money from my mom with the promise of paying her back this week with the money i was supposedly getting for it...
...frustration.
But at least he 'apologized'.
So, whats the point?
I dunno but this is my two cents:
Aoki comes from a background of Plastic. Nothing is real, nothing is solid. From friends to family, to 'career' all of it is pretty colours and cheap paint. In a world like that that, when everything is 'Made in China' you never seem to place value in pretty much anything. If you've ever heard him speak to his mother you'd be shocked....and oddly not surprised at the same time. If he could treat her like that, who the hell is me?? LOL.
I recently watched Saw 6 and this particualar quote stood out to me: "You think it is the living, who will have ultimate Judgement over you, because the dead can lay no claim to your soul....but you may be mistaken...." and it struck me that it fit in this situation as well. In his World he has no friends, he's said so himself. As he goes along he takes what he needs, then discards it. I wasn't that useful so I was discarded fairly quickly. However others, (like the one who works for mobile phone company who he described as 'not to be taken seriously' or the 'movie star' who can't seem to shut up about it) will survive a little longer. The ones who survive may not be that many, but the discarded...well one partially usefull thing may not have an impact...but MANY usefull things...when put together can eventually put a dent in something so kanpeki na.
My lesson is learnt.
Kami wa Aoki, anata shukufuku karumano shurui ga ari masu!
On to the next challenge!
