Sure enough, I’m not quite sure what to make of how I feel about you. I want to hate you so bad, yet I can’t seem to. Why is that? You weren’t completely honest with me to I had been pouring my heart and feelings to you. In my eyes that’s grounds for immediate write off.
How is it… I still linger.
Every time in the past, I have left. I don’t need the extra pain. I don’t need anyone else to lie to me (I do that enough to myself). I don’t need to waste any more of my time.
Listening to music the other day on my phone, I began arbitrarily scrolling through the pictures there I come across one of you and I pause. My face involuntarily and briefly contorts… and I feel moisture on my cheek. A tear? A fucking TEAR?! Over YOU?!
DAMNIT!!
Oh my God! Why am I in this situation? Why did I fall in love… with you?
Not easily nor often do I give my heart out. I may like people, but my real love is saved for those who’ve proven that they deserve it! Why did I give it to YOU?! I think I DO hate you… I hate you so much…
Exhale…
Thoughts jumbled,
Mumbled,
Tumbled…
Light… pretty
Thoughts clear,
Near,
Dear,
I… remember?
Remember?
I do?
I DO!
I remember you!
Ew!!
Forget!
Tickled touches on my skin.
Embraced, safe and sound
Around,
Astound,
Bound by arms so strong…
Tongue on my neck,
Teeth on my chest,
BITE!!
Ouch! Yes!
No! Fuck, OUCH MAN!
Pain… where did it go?
What is that on my back?
What is that on my chest?
What is that on my lips?
Oh…
Clear,
Tumbled,
Near,
Jumbled,
You…
I hate you…
You…
I love you…
Why?
Why? Why? Why?!
Damn you!
Maybe I can die…
Maybe I can kill you…
Who are you?
Hold me
Please hold me.
Don’t fucking touch me!
Light… so pretty
Light…
Take me…
Darkness…
Me…
Darkness…
Free…
Darkness………
yeah...WTF!
The more things change, the more they stay the same. The past and present have colided, the question is...where? Which is from a life gone by and which is life right now? Or are they both one and the same...
Something was wrong. I didn’t know what it was but I knew something was wrong.
As a younger person I developed the ability to sense people’s intentions and sincerity. I learned to look beyond the boundary of ‘them’ and look at the outside influences. 99% of the time when I get hurt its due to denial and not blindness. I see the truck coming and I believe I can stop it with my outstretched hand. A foolish notion I know but hey, a guy can dream right?
I knew I wasn’t alone. I knew there was at least one other. Tiny, almost imperceptible changes in mannerisms, I can pick up. I don’t always let on that I know, people are entitled to having a tummy ache now and then of course, but I can tell. Usually I will wait.
These days people, gay and straight, are incredibly fickle. They get bored EASILY! I don’t, and that makes me ‘safe’, the one they can run back to in case it doesn’t work out with the one they want. So they will chase after the younger, smarter, richer, fitter, skinnier, taller, shorter, fatter, darker, lighter, sluttier, mellower, hyper (shut up -_-), uglier, poorer, stronger, weaker or just plain WRONG one, take SHIT treatment and then come back to poor lil Lando when they get dumped. It’s not that they’re “not ready for anything right now”, they lost interest in you hommie… if I know that, why don’t you! It’s not that you’re concerned about my ex finding out, it’s that you’re bangin his CURRENT man on the side!... Trinidad is way too small for you to try that asshole!
Here’s a lil clue about me: I AM NOT SAFE!! I will WAIT for yo ass to come back when I am the last resort and THEN I exit stage left. And believe me… I KNOW when you’re out of options.
I’m too fat to do the whole limbo thing so I don’t. As a priority, I act as one and return the sentiment. As an option, I get options and NEVER make the mistake and believe that you’re my best one... you were probably just there first. I am fair after all. If I speak to you first you may be a little higher in the queue for my attention. I also let subsequent interests know up front that they are in a line, so they can make an informed decision as to whether or not they wish to BE an option. It’s not me being full of myself, it’s just being fucking polite!! That way, if shit doh work out, there are no hard feelings. No one gets ‘hurt’ cause they are aware of that they in for from the get go. Of course, sometimes a secondary option shows that they would make a better priority, as that’s what they begin to show me that I am to them (I’m sorry Chocolate Chip… but that is how Mars got me).
I am tired. These fucking games are over!
