Watashi ni wa rī

Made by: http://www.weebls-stuff.com/

Look at my horse,
my horse is amazing
Give it a lick
Hmm, It tastes just like raisins

I have a stroke of it's mane
It turns into a plane
And then it turns back again
When you tug on it's winky
Ohh that's dirty

Do you think think so?
Well I'd better not show you
where the lemonade is made
Sweet lemonade
Mmm sweet lemonade
Sweet lemonade
Yeah sweet lemonade



Get on my horse
I'll take you round the universe
And all the other places too

I think you'll find that the universe
pretty much covers everything
Shut up woman get on my horse!

Have you ever found yourself making decisions based on a promise made to you by someone who CLAIMS to care for you? Have you ever found that you were HORRIBLY mistaken by doing that? I have.

So I met an individual online last year we'll call him Aoki(the real name doesn't elude me but if you assault me with names and i sneeze for one, you're welcome to believe what you want) who seemed...fickle at best, who wanted to be my friend. I'm a skeptic especially about younguns and doubly so about reds but i decided to humor them. Apparently though, he was under the impression that I like to waste time and didn't think I was serious so we stopped talking for a bit.
Flash forward a few months. I've heard plenty, plenty-plenty-plenty about Aoki since then, however I was never one to just accept talk. Especially when the sources tend to ....paint pictures that makes them look good. Lo and behold I'm asked by Aoki for a 'second chance' ( I save my MSN messages darlings so be careful what you say to me, I don't use them for anything other than to REMIND ppl when they try to lie to me later). I must admit I was taken by surprise a bit. It came out of the blue for one and secondly, we were never really serious so there was never really a 'first' chance. I considered it and thought "sure, why not".
Needless to say... I was laughed at both in front and behind my face.

Though I was seriously trying to give this person a fair chance, what I did realize is that I was becoming their PC guy. Their company sometimes was good so i didn't mind TOO much. However along the way I started realizing something....Aoki lies A LOT! I was kinda flabergasted. I didn't understand what compulsion made them lie sooooo friggin much...and for NO reason what so ever! Take their surprise birthday 'party' for instance, apparently they forgot that people were taking pictures... it was NOT the gala they attempted to make me think it was.

Then came Christmas. Now I'm not one to be grubby and greedy bout presents...BUT...if you know you can't...or more to say...WON'T be doin something for someone, keep yuh mouth shut. If something is stuck in shipping for 17 days (as of blob date), most people raise a fuss, so i still waitin for the supposed sound system that in shipping since before Christmas lol. (note i didn't ASK for the system eh, they proclaimed that is what they 'GOT' me, later changed to 'GETTING' later changed to... ).

Ranting aside. I overlooked all this. I wasn't too concerned cause deep down I was feelin kinda happy that I was actually having feelings for someone. Feelings usually inspire my creative side and I've been busy writing up a storm of late. (Look out for the story of Duene and Lou, coming soon). However what really ticked me off was this latest development.
I needed to pay my rent, so I decided to sell my PSP. Aoki jumped up and said he wanted to buy it, I agreed. He said he didn't have the cash on him now and would give me by week end, I agreed. I let him take the PSP with him. I didn't NEED the money by weekend so when weekend came and went, I didn't fuss. The following Tuesday however I asked the very DIRECT question: Will you be able to bring the money for me by Thursday? To which he replied: Yes, that will be no problem.

*sigh*

Right now on my bed, my PSP is sitting. On Thursday, after not answering me for the whole day because he 'forgot' his phones at home, I asked him: are you dropping by today? The response was: Well I have it up on Trini Tuner and no one wants to buy it.
Heh.
What did that have to do with me since I was supposedly selling the item to him? Apparently everything. There was another old friend of mine who at the time was willing to pay me DOUBLE and I turned him down...
Saturday night Aoki brings me the PSP, and says he's 'changed his mind', this is AFTER I go and borrow the money from my mom with the promise of paying her back this week with the money i was supposedly getting for it...

...frustration.

But at least he 'apologized'.




So, whats the point?

I dunno but this is my two cents:
Aoki comes from a background of Plastic. Nothing is real, nothing is solid. From friends to family, to 'career' all of it is pretty colours and cheap paint. In a world like that that, when everything is 'Made in China' you never seem to place value in pretty much anything. If you've ever heard him speak to his mother you'd be shocked....and oddly not surprised at the same time. If he could treat her like that, who the hell is me?? LOL.
I recently watched Saw 6 and this particualar quote stood out to me: "You think it is the living, who will have ultimate Judgement over you, because the dead can lay no claim to your soul....but you may be mistaken...." and it struck me that it fit in this situation as well. In his World he has no friends, he's said so himself. As he goes along he takes what he needs, then discards it. I wasn't that useful so I was discarded fairly quickly. However others, (like the one who works for mobile phone company who he described as 'not to be taken seriously' or the 'movie star' who can't seem to shut up about it) will survive a little longer. The ones who survive may not be that many, but the discarded...well one partially usefull thing may not have an impact...but MANY usefull things...when put together can eventually put a dent in something so kanpeki na.

My lesson is learnt.
Kami wa Aoki, anata shukufuku karumano shurui ga ari masu!
On to the next challenge!

Dredged up from my old blog.

Anger. That’s what I felt. Anger. Its all that I knew. I searched, I desperately searched for another emotion but I couldn’t find any. Was that all he could make me feel? Why am I so angry? What is wrong with me? This couldn’t be happening!
“Destroy him....”
Who said that? Who is there?
“He hurt you again....take care of it!”
Where was that voice coming from?
“NO ONE WOULD BLAME YOU! YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT!”
What the hell? Was I actually going mad?
The ring..... it sat quietly on my chest, still warm from him having just put it there. I was in that mid area between sleep and wake. Voices, thoughts and general weird shit tended to wait till then to rise to the surface of my mind. Why was the ring on my chest? It was a gift, a promise as it were to try to do better this time. He was returning it.
“What’s going on?” I asked Mars as he walked away from me.
He turned and with tear filled eyes looked at me.
“You can’t ever forget ‘him’ can you? You told me you don’t see ‘him’ anymore!”
Him... that could only be one person. I smiled. Not out of malice but out of frustration. For more than nine months I was free and I didn’t get back together with ‘him’ and yet he thought something was still going on. Anger was the correct emotion. I started to ask questions in my mind:
Why was I so foolish?
Why did I think he’d change?
Why the hell did I spoil him like that?
Why the hell was he so... so... STUPID?
Why was he always picking a fight with me?
Why does he lie about loving me?
Why the FUCK DOESN’T HE TRUST ME?!
Why did I trust him?
Why didn’t I just kill him.....?
Whoa! There it was again. I was scaring myself. DAMN! How dare he do this to us!
Us? Who is us?
“You and I of course. You didn’t think I left did you? Can’t an alter ego take a little break now and then?”
“Who are you?”
“You really forgot me?”
“...”
“Ha ha ha. I’m the reason you didn’t kill yourself in frustration. Notice that there are...gaps in some of your memories of the ‘trying time’ and some things seem a bit fuzzy? Those are times I either had to hold up or just take full control. You think you grew those balls, as small as they still are, to stand up to him all on your own? Don’t you recognize me? I’m the Bitch you have every right to be and I’m fucking pissed... with YOU!”



Confrontation.
“So with my help you finally leave the bastard, I take a back seat and what do you do? You go right back! Are you that dumb? Can’t you see that you’re involved with a 26 year old CHILD! Children do childish things. I helped you grow into a man but with the so called friends and influences he has around him, he WILL NOT GROW! You have tried time and again to teach him, but he has no interest in learning how to fish, he is content to eat the fishes that people give him. I know you love him, I know you want to help him so badly, the pain you feel for him I feel it too but he is a poison. He will kill us if we do not kill him.”
“How can I kill him? I can’t do that!”
“Not physically Orlando, nor do I mean Mars the actual person. In here, with us, he exists. As with the gods of old his power is not manifest through divinity, but through the energies that YOU feed him. Your faith, trust, love and FEAR fuels and empowers him. He by all right IS Mars, the god or war and destruction and his power is over you. It will be tough to do, but in order to not ACTUALLY kill him out there, he needs to die in here.”
“But...”
“I’m in here too Orlando, I know you have nothing to say. I will help you yet again to overcome this destructive force in your life. But mark my words, should he die and you resurrect him again, not only shall I disappear and be unable to help you ever again but the ripple effect outside (meaning with your friends) shall be far reaching and felt for a VERY long time. Now, take the ring, it has been returned to you, you will wear it to remind him that he is to never posses it again.”

Dredged up from my old blog


So I’ve been called out by the Puppy to post something about my experiences on Saturday. I know I haven’t been blogging much although MUCH has happened since my last blog. I don’t know… maybe I was saving it.

Saturday morning met me not in my own bed, not even my own house for that matter. My coughing and just miserable feelings from the night before had faded and I felt somewhat better. Next to me lay a sexy though somewhat misunderstood individual, curled up in the foetal position because the rain that had fell all morning had the air chilly. We were only friends so it seemed inappropriate for me to hold him and ‘warm him up.’ Groggily I went and took a piss then went to the porch to look at the city. High above Port-of-Spain the small yet very homely house stood nestled among the coconut trees just off Lady Young Road. The view was beautiful. Rain still fell over parts of the city and I watched the grey streaks smudge and obscure various landmarks. I was still sleepy.
For the past two weeks I had been fighting a cold that just seemed to not want to leave. I figured though, it was a combination of psychological frustration and lack of eating. My body and mind were both weak so the cold was having fun with me. That said, the night before I was having fits of heavy coughing and just plain nausea so I did not sleep much though admittedly MUCH better (in quality) than if I had stayed home.
Still early I went back to the bed and lay down to sleep but only after pulling the covers over the small shivering body of my companion.
I blinked (or so it seemed) and the room was brighter and I was alone. I heard a conversation going but only one voice so I figured he must me on the phone. I lay on the bed a stared up at the ceiling. I had…um…my morning male condition, and it wasn’t brought on by the need to pee so I willed it away before getting up. Anyone who knows me should know that I HATE clothes so when I sleep, if at home with no company, I am nude. Here I wasn’t nude but the pants was barely there so I didn’t want walk outside just so (it’s rude to point after all). Anyway…by the time I got to the living room the conversation was over.
Horus (for the tattoo on his arm) looked at me as I came into the room and grinned. “Slept well? Feeling better? Guess who just called me.”
Apparently for the first time ever, Horus got a call from Mars despite Mars having the number for more than a year. Mars was looking for me because I obviously wasn’t home last night… how sweet (Mars and I broke up some time before, the full story will be in another blog, you just need to know that for the story to make sense). I grimaced, brushed it off and sat on the couch.
The morning went by fairly quickly. Horus and I talked a lot, something I especially like doing with him because of his upbringing. The conversations always tend to be… different from most. We watched a movie and then he went off to do his laundry. Now I’m not one to be entranced by someone’s anatomy, I may like looking at well defined male torsos but I’ve never been one to stare. Horus however, the entire time I was there, wore a pair of ‘Skin’ boxers (and a loose yet fitted t-shirt) that fit him in a way that I NEVER saw fit anyone else and I caught myself STARING at the booty on more than one occasion. It was kind of unsettling but in a good way I guess. As I said before though, Horus and I are just friends so I only admire in silence and from a safe distance.
Time came for me to go home. First however, being the fashion guru that he is, I decided to ask Horus for help with a problem I had. That evening was the Pride Party my friends and I all made plans to attend. Our theme was to each go as a different colour of the Rainbow. I was green…oddly the one in the middle. Green is a colour I hate; therefore I had NO clothes with anything green in it. I decided to ask for a borrow. Had I a slamming body with chesticles and abdominalseses, some of the items he showed me would have been scandalously scorching to wear, I would have been remembered for years to come. But I have an ‘average’ build so they would have just been tacky! All I could find was a belt with a sequined buckle; I must admit I though, it looked cute despite my green issues. Belt in tow, I jumped in the taxi he called (it’s the only way to get transport in and out of there) and headed to City Gate to take a Maxi home.

The house was empty save for one co worker. Mars was still at work. I knew the evening would be hectic so I relaxed for a bit. Saturday is my only day off for the week so I did my best to get every ounce of rest that I could get out of it. I played a bit of ‘Warcraft III’ on my PC before Mars came home and started his usual shit spraying. Of late I had been wearing my Dohgivafuck apparel with anti-shit treatment so… I didn’t give a fuck and the shit slid straight off. He said he was so worried and I could have said something. I reminded him that he disappeared for 3 days last week without saying anything; I smiled then went back to my game.
I have the most accessible house in the ‘East’ so most times my friends and I have an outing they all rendezvous at my crib. Tonight was no different. First to arrive was Yardboy, Yellow in the Rainbow. We chatted and joked a bit as we waited for Red (Supafreak Jr.) and Orange (Dwiggy) to arrive. Still having no green apparel I was eagerly waiting to see what Orange was bringing for me to wear and praying to God that it would match the belt and my jeans. I was not disappointed! I was presented with a cute green ‘Puma’ t-shirt AND a pair of tan coloured boots. Sweet!
One ‘Sims’ Spin’ later and I was dressed. The reason I say that is because I apparently got ready the fastest (something I have to work on as a real ‘Ho’ knows how to “make ‘em wait”). I had a little adjusting to do as the t-shirt hugged me kind of wrong. I used a smaller tighter undershirt to hold everything in check (read: practical girdle), adjusted my posture (I tend to stand with a bit of a hunch despite being capable of standing properly) and I was good to go! Fully clothed it was time for my new interest….accessories! I knew I’d be wearing my black rubber bangles but I took a poll as to which neck accessory I should use. The Sun choker won by a landslide and I helped Yellow don the runner up, the dog tag. The final touch was somewhat unexpected. Orange when he was FINALLY almost ready pulled out two little diamond studs. They used to be magnetic but the magnets broke off. With a little Dwiggy magic he took one of the studs and attached it to my right ear. An awed hush covered the room and I felt a strange power flow through me. I felt different. I wasn’t sure, but I think its called confidence. I had it! For the first time ever…Lando was leaving his house AND he was looking HOTT!!

We sat in the car in front of Republic Bank in Port-of-Spain and waited for the rest of the crew to arrive. There we were; Red, Orange, Yellow, Green and Black point 5 (Lil Bro cause w share the same surname). The only reason we got there so soon is because Red threatened to leave without us if we didn’t get our asses in the car pronto while we were still at my house. We had made a stop in Tunapuna for Lil Bro and were now discussing how hungry we all were. Blue (Geico. A friend with ‘geckoish’ traits and a job in the insurance sector) bounced up to the car soon after started talking with us as well. When he noticed me however he feigned being blinded as he caught sight of the belt buckle, I was in glee! Within a few minutes, Indigo (Rasta Puppy) pulled up behind us, Blue jumped in the car and they sped off with us in pursuit.
At the venue the party seemed to be in full swing. We got out of our respective transports and greeted each other warmly. Puppy was wearing shades and I go a ‘pull down to see better’ from him, more glee for me! We lined off against the wall to have group photos but they kept on coming out blurry. Frustrated as to why people still refuse read the manual in this day and age, I told them to switch the camera to ‘sport’ setting. Voila, clean shot. Photo shoot over, we proceeded to the entrance but not before I asked Puppy for a little help adjusting my tee so the belt buckle would show (I’m new to this so baby steps!). While adjusting I made a sly comment. “So you finally getting your hands down my pants huh?” He countered with a friendly squeeze of my crotch and two handfuls of booty. I think he wanted to make me jump but I was high with that confidence thing and I just grinned.
At the door we saw a line of people standing outside… yet oddly they weren’t facing the entrance. I recognized two faces. Chocolate Chip and Shadow. Shadow is CC’s new people. I may not want them around CC for a number of reasons but that isn’t my place to decide. Anyway I of course go over and warmly greet CC and I am given the thrice over. He pointed at various items on my person and asked in his usual manner. “Negro, what is this??” I grinned and just responded, “A group project.” When I asked him why he was outside he said they were waiting for Slim Shady to arrive since they were supposed to baby-sit him. I told him I’d see him inside and left.
The original plan was to make an ‘entrance’ but the large albeit tacky venue didn’t want to co-operate because of the layout. Not to mention everyone kind of scattered to say their hellos and such. We all ended up trickling in one by one and I almost immediately spotted Ra.
Ra is a new interest of mine. Tall, cute, glasses, slim but not overly skinny (I like my men with a little meat on their bones), curly hair, light brown complexion, a wicked pair of lips, awesome supportive personality, a TAD bitchy (adds flavour and I love it!), kind of mature but keeps a youthful attitude… and he’s 19. That’s legal!! Ra was the first to start the ball rolling with my ‘make over’. He had me clean myself up (appearance-wise) and encouraged me to stay clean. He took me shopping to buy clothes, skin care products and accessories. This guy is just amazing. Within a few weeks of knowing him he took it upon himself to do nearly everything I used to ask Mars to help me with (who never did)… and I didn’t even have to ask. He said he saw a person with a lot of potential and wanted me to fulfil it. Needless to say we like each other a lot but I refuse to go too far with him till Mars is GONE because I never want Ra to be uncertain when it comes to me. I’ve messed up too many possible relationships in the past and I plan to take all the time in the world to make sure that if we are to have one, that its something we are both ready for. Getting back to the party…
I went over and gave him a hug. I complimented his outfit (child was looking hott!) and he complimented mine, looking at me all proud and stuff. It was too dark for him to see me blush so I was relieved. I left him and his friends for a bit to reunite with mine. They were in the process of getting drinks. Puppy took it upon himself to make sure I had fun that night so after a start up drink from Yardie, Geico and Puppy made sure that my hand was never devoid of a cup with alcohol.
I don’t dance. Not in public anyway. Genetically I should have exceptional rhythm because I’m mostly Negro. Somehow I don’t. Every party I have ever gone too I basically just stood up and watched my friends have all the fun. It’s not that I didn’t want to join in; it’s more a case of being too self conscious of my lack of motor and timing skills. Fear of being laughed at. Tonight was different for three reasons. First I was too high to care what other people were thinking. Second the confidence buzz was still strong. Thirdly and I think most importantly, I had promised Ra about 3 weeks prior at another ‘party’ of sorts that I would dance with him at the Pride Party. He has been so good to me, there was no way I could justify letting him down. I lack the flexibility of most of my more seasoned friends but I think I did okay. I was sweating, and not for poor ventilation. It was something to be relished so EVERYONE took the dance that I had denied them for so many years. I recall the look on Puppy’s face and the victorious laugh he let loose when he saw me MOVING. They all seemed proud and I was in bliss.
I balanced my time between Ra and my friends until I decided to combine the two by having him come over to where my friends were. We all had fun in our little corner of the venue for a while till time and tiredness got the better of us. It was a tad earlier than were accustomed to leaving but I guess we all had a rough week. I gave Ra a deep kiss goodbye and we headed to the car-park. On the way I passed C.Chip again and gave him a hug goodbye. I would not have minded dancing with him a bit too but Shadow is a bit ridiculous so decided against it to keep the peace. In the car park hugs and kisses passed around and we jumped into the car and headed into the heart of the city for a quick bite before heading home.
Yardboy was staying by me for the night so S.F.Jr. dropped us off first. I invited him to take a little nap before continuing cause my boy was tired (the way he moves on the dance-floor how could he NOT be?). He said he’d be fine and went on to drop Dwiggy home. I wish he took the nap…
For some reason I didn’t follow my regular routine of switching off my phone and left it on. I got a call a few minutes after reaching home from S.F. Jr. apparently he dozed off at the wheel and had an accident. He was okay and I thanked God sincerely for that but Betsy was severely hurt! Up till today she’s in critical condition and though most are telling S.F. Jr. that the best thing to do would be to let her go, he has faith that she’ll recover. It’s his baby after all.
Apart from the accident. The night was rather good. The party may have been kind of…cheap, but it was okay in the long run.
I can’t wait for Halloween!!

Dredged up from my old blog

Steppin’ to the Dark Side

I looked at the man with an unnecessary amount of scorn.
Mom had taught me to be a charitable person. I was never greedy or selfish (on purpose anyway) and giving had grown to be a part of my nature. If I had it I didn’t mind sharing it and used to feel happy doing so.
On December 27th 2006, that aspect of my personality took a shot to the head. I still like to give, but I’m not as open to it as I used to be. On that morning, someone broke into the place where I lived. Wait, let me be correct, my neighbors broke into my home and robbed me.
As I slept, the people who I had been quite charitable to since I moved in decided to repay me. I never gave them money all the time but sometimes I know things are tough so I’d try to help out. I let them use the pipe on the premises whenever they needed to wash someone’s car for a few extra dollars and never asked for anything in return. But I got something in return.
Who knows, maybe it’s my kindness that stayed their hands from killing me because I know they were armed. I slept through the entire ordeal but I found clues about the house. Had I stirred, my own hammer would have probably been placed through my skull. Like I said though, I didn’t come away unscathed.
The man came up to me and produced a folder. On one side of the folder there was a photo of three young little girls, his daughters he claimed, the youngest of which got badly burned, was in the hospital and needed my help with a donation. Unbeknownst to the man however, he told me his daughter was in the hospital more than 8 months prior. Yet another fucker was trying to rob me.
Here are some of the thoughts that ran through my head:
• With you as a father maybe she would have been better off if she died from those ‘injuries’
• Why the fuck aren’t you at work because it seems that you should be working 24-7 and not harassing my ass to take care of your family.
• Thank you very much for assuming that I have no problems of my own.
• I give you money and next thing you know you and your buddies are gonna come rob me next.
Very bad I know. Its thoughts like those that have been going through my mind whenever a so called ‘destitute’ person has come asking me for charity. I get angry because I remember what my charity got me.
I guess I know that I shouldn’t judge all for the actions of one but I can’t help but realize that I’m nothing more than a nameless face to these people. Nothing more than their next joint, hit or nip. Someone they would have no trouble sacrificing if it meant they’d get a little extra change. It frightens me and vexes me at the same time.
I’m not a bad person…but unfortunately when it comes to strangers… I’m not a nice person either.

Dredged up from my old blog

Case of the Ex Part Deux
I didn’t….I don’t miss him. Despite all the stress and the sadness, I don’t hate him either. Forever a part of him will be burned into my soul.
Love… was that what it was? Felt like it sometimes. It’s all it could be for me to be so patient with him. I don’t want him…gone, I just want him… to let me go.
I know there are two sides to every coin and there are 3 versions to every argument: his side, my side and the truth. So just what is the truth?
The truth is, we were doomed from the beginning and I told Mars this. “If I can cheat with you, you will forever believe that I am cheating on you.”So said, so done, every cute guy was someone I was screwing and every friend was trying to steal me for themselves. The shadow was dark and stretched far into our lives. I lived under that shadow. Not wanting to lose him but frustrated out of my mind as to how to console him.
He was scared too. With all his big talk of leaving, the thought of me not being there terrified him. True I was his meal ticket in a sense…but I was also the one who stayed. Where the rest of his exes left, I endured the trouble and stayed. I loved him too much to leave him. But I guess he became too complacent. A man can only take so much before he snaps.
I’ve said it time and again. Being with Mars forced me to grow up. Contemplating the situation recently however led me to another discovery. My cravings for sex and my sexual desires were brought under control. Sex or more the withholding thereof can no longer be used against me. My ability to ‘not need it’ has actually worked to my advantage in that it gets offered to me more… go figure.
So why write all this again? Cause it’s the last I will be writing ‘about’ Mars. He’s still there, but he is no longer and ‘issue’ in my life. He is….my friend in a sense, someone I love and wish to keep close but… that’s it. I don’t miss him…yet… but I know I will. Even if I’m not sure he loved me, the pain that I felt tells me that I loved him. Somehow, it consoles me to know that I could love like that. Heh, yeah I feel good and I await life’s next challenge.
To my friends who supported and helped me through my time on the Red Planet: Thank You, I love you all!