Watashi ni wa rī

Dredged up from my old blog.

Anger. That’s what I felt. Anger. Its all that I knew. I searched, I desperately searched for another emotion but I couldn’t find any. Was that all he could make me feel? Why am I so angry? What is wrong with me? This couldn’t be happening!
“Destroy him....”
Who said that? Who is there?
“He hurt you again....take care of it!”
Where was that voice coming from?
“NO ONE WOULD BLAME YOU! YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT!”
What the hell? Was I actually going mad?
The ring..... it sat quietly on my chest, still warm from him having just put it there. I was in that mid area between sleep and wake. Voices, thoughts and general weird shit tended to wait till then to rise to the surface of my mind. Why was the ring on my chest? It was a gift, a promise as it were to try to do better this time. He was returning it.
“What’s going on?” I asked Mars as he walked away from me.
He turned and with tear filled eyes looked at me.
“You can’t ever forget ‘him’ can you? You told me you don’t see ‘him’ anymore!”
Him... that could only be one person. I smiled. Not out of malice but out of frustration. For more than nine months I was free and I didn’t get back together with ‘him’ and yet he thought something was still going on. Anger was the correct emotion. I started to ask questions in my mind:
Why was I so foolish?
Why did I think he’d change?
Why the hell did I spoil him like that?
Why the hell was he so... so... STUPID?
Why was he always picking a fight with me?
Why does he lie about loving me?
Why the FUCK DOESN’T HE TRUST ME?!
Why did I trust him?
Why didn’t I just kill him.....?
Whoa! There it was again. I was scaring myself. DAMN! How dare he do this to us!
Us? Who is us?
“You and I of course. You didn’t think I left did you? Can’t an alter ego take a little break now and then?”
“Who are you?”
“You really forgot me?”
“...”
“Ha ha ha. I’m the reason you didn’t kill yourself in frustration. Notice that there are...gaps in some of your memories of the ‘trying time’ and some things seem a bit fuzzy? Those are times I either had to hold up or just take full control. You think you grew those balls, as small as they still are, to stand up to him all on your own? Don’t you recognize me? I’m the Bitch you have every right to be and I’m fucking pissed... with YOU!”



Confrontation.
“So with my help you finally leave the bastard, I take a back seat and what do you do? You go right back! Are you that dumb? Can’t you see that you’re involved with a 26 year old CHILD! Children do childish things. I helped you grow into a man but with the so called friends and influences he has around him, he WILL NOT GROW! You have tried time and again to teach him, but he has no interest in learning how to fish, he is content to eat the fishes that people give him. I know you love him, I know you want to help him so badly, the pain you feel for him I feel it too but he is a poison. He will kill us if we do not kill him.”
“How can I kill him? I can’t do that!”
“Not physically Orlando, nor do I mean Mars the actual person. In here, with us, he exists. As with the gods of old his power is not manifest through divinity, but through the energies that YOU feed him. Your faith, trust, love and FEAR fuels and empowers him. He by all right IS Mars, the god or war and destruction and his power is over you. It will be tough to do, but in order to not ACTUALLY kill him out there, he needs to die in here.”
“But...”
“I’m in here too Orlando, I know you have nothing to say. I will help you yet again to overcome this destructive force in your life. But mark my words, should he die and you resurrect him again, not only shall I disappear and be unable to help you ever again but the ripple effect outside (meaning with your friends) shall be far reaching and felt for a VERY long time. Now, take the ring, it has been returned to you, you will wear it to remind him that he is to never posses it again.”