Watashi ni wa rī

Dredged up from my old blog

Case of the Ex Part Deux
I didn’t….I don’t miss him. Despite all the stress and the sadness, I don’t hate him either. Forever a part of him will be burned into my soul.
Love… was that what it was? Felt like it sometimes. It’s all it could be for me to be so patient with him. I don’t want him…gone, I just want him… to let me go.
I know there are two sides to every coin and there are 3 versions to every argument: his side, my side and the truth. So just what is the truth?
The truth is, we were doomed from the beginning and I told Mars this. “If I can cheat with you, you will forever believe that I am cheating on you.”So said, so done, every cute guy was someone I was screwing and every friend was trying to steal me for themselves. The shadow was dark and stretched far into our lives. I lived under that shadow. Not wanting to lose him but frustrated out of my mind as to how to console him.
He was scared too. With all his big talk of leaving, the thought of me not being there terrified him. True I was his meal ticket in a sense…but I was also the one who stayed. Where the rest of his exes left, I endured the trouble and stayed. I loved him too much to leave him. But I guess he became too complacent. A man can only take so much before he snaps.
I’ve said it time and again. Being with Mars forced me to grow up. Contemplating the situation recently however led me to another discovery. My cravings for sex and my sexual desires were brought under control. Sex or more the withholding thereof can no longer be used against me. My ability to ‘not need it’ has actually worked to my advantage in that it gets offered to me more… go figure.
So why write all this again? Cause it’s the last I will be writing ‘about’ Mars. He’s still there, but he is no longer and ‘issue’ in my life. He is….my friend in a sense, someone I love and wish to keep close but… that’s it. I don’t miss him…yet… but I know I will. Even if I’m not sure he loved me, the pain that I felt tells me that I loved him. Somehow, it consoles me to know that I could love like that. Heh, yeah I feel good and I await life’s next challenge.
To my friends who supported and helped me through my time on the Red Planet: Thank You, I love you all!